In summarizing the year's highlights in gossip, the Daily News mentioned what Brad Pitt said when asked if he thinks he's a perfect male specimen. "I don't know, I'm hung like a hamster." Readers can judge for themselves by going to http://www.tekline.co.uk/natpitt.htm. As seen in those photos, Brad's penis appears to be bigger than the average whole hamster. They say it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean; but try telling that to a guy in a kayak in the middle of a tsunami. (BY SCOTT ROSE)

Legendary bandleader, clarinetist and composer Artie Shaw has passed away at the age of 94. In his lifetime, he became disillusioned with the life of a wildly popular musician, and longed to instead be a writer. He resented the demands of his fans, the bobby soxers, who mobbed him and tore his clothes, and whom he called morons. He tried seeking refuge in Acapulco, but saved a drowning woman, and when the press figured out who he was, he returned home to Hollywood. In 1941 he enlisted in the Navy, which ordered him to form a band. Married eight times, in his later years he gave lectures entitled "Consecutive Monogamy and Ideal Divorce." He appears not to have had any children, and leaves behind a lonely clarinet. (BY SCOTT ROSE)

Failed Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark is reportedly in discussions with Hollywood brass, including his son screenwriter Wesley Clark, Jr., for a sitcom about a retired army officer who returns to public life. He is also reportedly considering a run for Governor of Arkansas; we know what a springboard that position can be. There is no mediocrity like an unfocussed mediocrity, but we wish Wesley all the best in both the governor's race and the sitcom. (BY SCOTT ROSE)

Today's New York Post would have readers believe New Year's Eve in Miami will be hotter than in New York City, and at that, they list Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan as the hottest names partying in Miami, and then say the two probably won't show up. Well, Bosh writer Scott Rose is going to be at a party in an Upper East Side penthouse with views over tout New York and guests including many fabulous movers and shakers. Stay tuned to learn how many bottles of which champagne were consumed and by who. (BY SCOTT ROSE)

With the death of celebrity intellectual Susan Sontag, the country has experienced a lowering of its collective IQ. Intelligence being less important in the Bush era than wrong-headed stubborness, the nation's course, unfortunately, will not change much due to Sontag's passing. The New Yorker, however, is looking for a replacement essay writer. Candidates should be firebrands with a knack for exposing the illogic in received wisdom. (BY SCOTT ROSE)