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Who were you just on the phone with? How come every time we get ready to go to Starbucks you send out a text-blast? I just don't get it. The kids, the dog ... I think there was a bird in there somewhere. I hope it's still alive. Don't bother trying to make excuses. They know everything. You can run, you can hide, you can wear that hideous pink wig. It doesn't matter. And now look at the mess you've made. You're not alone, though. There's plenty more where that came from.
Those Disney stars continue to find creative ways to emote their budding sexuality. Normally coy Zac Efron did a dainty little ass flash on his way out of the gym - those muscleheads get him so worked up! - while golden girl Miley Cyrus shot semi-nudes of herself and somehow leaked them to the web (I could never believe anyone could be so stupid as to take these kind of pictures and just lose them). Miley is only 15, though - somebody needs to talk to her parents - or get her some real ones.
Speaking of Disney, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony tried to get their Aladdin on for a recent photo shoot. Unfortunately, because of the additional tonnage Mama Lopez has incurred they had to airbrush in the background. When she climbed off the rug it shot up like a rocket launcher. Marc was last seen crossing the San Andreas fault line and is expected to touch ground somewhere north of Sacramento. "I'll have just enough time to grab a couple of sandwiches," Jennifer may have been heard to say as she lumbered off to her limo.
The baby bump craze continued this week, both speculated and confirmed. Tori Spelling and her kind of creepy looking husband Dean McDermott confirmed they've got another bun in the oven. And the Brangelina thing is heating up again, with some sources saying Angie is pregnant with twins and others saying they're adopting a Katrina orphan. Hey, why not both? Brad can handle it.
The Scientology Bash-athon raged on joyously and unabated. Jerry O'Connell released a spoof of Tom's recruiting video that pretty much guarantees he'll never work with Cruise or Paula Wagner again. It's priceless, and also pretty much guarantees Tom Cruise will never be seen as anything but a raving zealot from here on in. Not ones to take anything lying down, the cult, er, church's defenders are out in full force, with the legal eagles firing off threats and intimidation, and others perhaps taking it to the next level. The author of an expose on Scientology has gone into hiding after receiving phone threats. Don't despair, though - Anonymous is striking back. Anonymous is a mysterious hacker group who managed to shut down a bunch of the church's sites last week.
Also causing controversy this week, but of a much milder kind, was the release of Kathleen Turner's autobiography. Sexy star of the 80s turned bloated nasty drunken bitch turned Broadway star Turner talks candidly of love and puppies lost with her co-stars while giving the inside story on drunken escapades only whispered about in the New York dailies until now.
Our favorite crazy across the pond Amy Winehouse was videotaped doing drugs this week in her ratty albino hair the night before seeing her husband in court and an hour after her brother left her side. While police have since confiscated the tape it's likely she'll face any kind of serious prosecution. Her parents and record company cracked down, though, finally forcing her into rehab and that cootie-filled beehive. I hope they x-rayed that thing on the way in.
Charlie Sheen may have gotten over his cheerleader fetish, but he can't seem to wash the stench of media whore out of his children. They're stuck with her, too, after all. Said media whore (MW) dragged Charlie into court this week to force him to allow MW to make a reality show with their two very young children. Strangely and sadly, the judge agreed to allow the show to proceed "with unknown restrictions". MW is sure to be thrilled; she'll have them properly tricked out (and traumatized) in no time.
We were all traumatized this week by the untimely passing of Heath Ledger, who at 28 was too young to die of any cause. While there are rumors flying of a possible accidental drug overdose, it should be noted that he was allegedly suffering from pneumonia, which if not properly treated can kill. If he was on antibiotics but drinking, chances are it could have made him even sicker. While some celebrities were devastated by the news of his passing, others took it upon themselves to jump off the wagon for a night of debauchery to better remember him as they last saw him.
Also passing this week was Christian Brando, son of screen legend Marlon Brando. Eerily, Christian also died from pneumonia, although his was a much rougher past. Christian is probably best remembered for killing his sister's lover, a crime for which he served time. Christian was 49.
So what did you do this week besides shop for pregnancy tests, talk in tongues and show off your saggy chest? You can't avoid your responsibilities forever, and role playing in the school yard will only get you beat down by a bunch of soccer moms. Do yourself a favor and go to the doctor already. If you do the right thing the right people will come back.