Looking back, that whole gender question seems pretty small. If only things had stayed that simple. Now you've all learned the hard way that he doesn't always know best. Who'd have thought you'd end up on top? Don't flatter yourself, though; it wasn't a big heap.

I bet you were the kind of kid who never liked to share your toys. These days it's the spotlight you like to hog. You've been riding that whole reality show wave for a while now, but the smoke and mirrors is wearing thin, and people are starting to realize you've got little style and no substance. We won't even bring up the fact that you're more than likely functionally illiterate.

Dahling, how do you do it all? You've written books and designed landmark buildings. You were a trailblazer and taught all the others how to be a cougar with class. You even survived a cheesy reality show. But will you survive this marriage?

Hey, it's not like you're middle-aged and paunchy - you guys are only 21, 22, right? What are you so worried about? Just because you're universally despised in your neighborhood and seem to date a succession of losers and layabouts doesn't make you a spinster ... surely there's someone who didn't watch that one tremendous hit you were on.