I think it's safe to say you're going to have to come up with another source of income. The oldest one is safe now, but only because Papa stepped in before you could really muck things up. The youngest one is using her hyper-fertility as a shield. The more you try to push her, the more kids she'll keep pumping out. Get the hint. She's not interested.

So you wrote a book. You may have sold a few copies but I wouldn't call that a success. Yet your ego knows no bounds, and now you want to see it on film. Why can't you just join a garden club or take in a few stray cats? No wonder they all hate you. But don't feel so alone. We've got a bunch of real winners this week, both figuratively and literally, for you to eat your heart out over.

Madge and Guy finally announced their split this week, but the way they're settling so quickly just adds fuel to the fire that it was a long time orchestrated. I wonder who got the Purple Penetrator.

Also announcing a long-hidden separation this week were David Duchovny and Tea Leoni. Some say she was caught cheating with Billy Bob Thornton, but I think the split happened a long time ago, and she was just kind enough to wait until he was released from rehab before making the announcement.

It's not all heartache and sorrow, though. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have taken to public displays of affection and other telltale signs of reconciliation, but it might all be about her upcoming movies and not rekindled passion.

And our girl Britney made music history this week, as her single "Womanizer" jumped from No. 96 to No. 1 on the Billboard chart. Give that girl a frappucino!!

Her sister, on the other hand, continues to deny she's pregnant again while her agents shop the tale to the tabloids. Her sperm machine, Casey, will likewise spill the beans on his adventures, but for a quarter mil.

That's not true love. True love is falling for your co-star during filming, but making him leave his wife before you'll consummate the relationship. Angelina shared her secret to a successful relationship this week, and the woman scorned will not be happy.

Not everyone is as hung up on morality, though. George Hamilton told the ladies of The View about his illicit affair at the age of 12 with his stepmother. He sees no problem with it, but if the genders were reversed we'd be reading a whole different tale, and someone would be facing charges.

Speaking of charges, Peter Cook may have really stepped in it this time, as rumors of a sex tape fly around New York. He's denying it, but The Post swears they've been shown still shots from the tape. Can't he just go back to architecture?

And yet another dimwit who may end up with charges is the Underwear Boy, whose http://defamer.com/5065096/miley-cyrus-sends-hidden-signals-to-underwear-model-boyfriend-with-tongue"underage girlfriend can't keep her tongue in her mouth around him. See what happens when you put your parents on the payroll?

Who am I kidding? Of course you know what happens when the inmates run the asylum. You were the role model to a legion who followed you, and follow in your footsteps still. Leave those girls alone and go find a nice position in a doctor's office or something. The younger generation must be protected from you at all costs. The girls would be sure to agree on that point.