Vertigo, my eye. A flop by any family member is not only unsurprising, it's kind of expected these days. But Janet was supposed to be different. Turns out Michael may not be the only one who doesn't know how to grow up.

Let's face it. Facing one's own mortality is a bitch. (I know; I'm about Janet's age.) It's hard on anyone, from any walk of life. It must be that much harder when you've had that spotlight trained on you since you were in grade school, and it hasn't flinched an inch in the thirty-plus years since. It's hard to face the fact that your body will continue to age despite any desperately juvenile behavior.

Twenty years ago Janet was a really big deal. She stood toe-to-toe with her brother, with Madonna, with Mariah ... and kicked ass. She was also poised, professional and seemingly normal, if you don't count that weird secret marriage thing. Then she dropped out and, well, porked out, burying a slamming bod and dance moves under an alleged sixty pounds. She later claimed it was for a movie role she didn't get, but I think her past came back to bite her. After all, who could have grown up in that house without being horribly emotionally scarred?

And now she's just a mess. Her current album, a second attempt to regain her glory days, is falling flat. The disc is not selling, and nor are seats to her tour. When she could no longer deny the failure, she blamed her record company and severed ties. They were only too happy to release her from her contract. Her little troll boyfriend, Jermaine Dupri, also lost his job over it, but he was happy to return that favor by puking into her lap after a few shots of tequila at Tenjune. A mortified Janet was said to flee immediately into her limo. Wonder how Jermaine got home. And where he slept that night. The couch? The garage? The mailbox? He'd fit.

Now she's canceling shows after "collapsing during a rehearsal" in Canada. While rumors of the reason run anywhere from pregnancy to exhaustion to inability to face the truth (I hear the album sucks), one of her idiot brothers was eager to provide the reason: she has vertigo. The Neurology Channel defines vertigo as "a symptom, not a disease. The term vertigo refers to the sensation of spinning or whirling that occurs as a result of a disturbance in balance (equilibrium)." So what's the cause? Maybe she's sick of getting hit up left-and-right by her family - and soon her unemployed boyfriend - for money.