I bet you were the kind of kid who never liked to share your toys. These days it's the spotlight you like to hog. You've been riding that whole reality show wave for a while now, but the smoke and mirrors is wearing thin, and people are starting to realize you've got little style and no substance. We won't even bring up the fact that you're more than likely functionally illiterate.

Such a baby. You let one nasty little rumor about curtains that don't hang in windows get out of hand and no one will take you seriously anymore. Your friends don't really like you. Your job isn't real. Your fashion line is overpriced crap, and your co-stars would rather pose topless than trust their fate with yours.

I hear your ratings are way down this season, too. Wouldn't it be ironic if they all moved on to bigger and better and left you behind? It's what you would've done to them if you had any skills. The folks in this week's lineup are more than skilled, they're gifted. You could learn a thing or two.

All those pregnant celebrities freaked a gay man out this week, as Dlisted's Michael K shared more bumps than Sam and Linds: There's Jessica Alba, who may or may not be in labor tonight; Tori Spelling, who hopes another grandchild will get Candy to loosen her purse strings again; Gwen Stefani showed us her take on sweller than swell - I've never seen that girl look bad. Nicole Kidman and her mini-bump continued to underwhelm us while the pregnant transsexual man makes us want to run screaming into the night.

The wonder twins, however, have yet to arrive, despite ET's premature exclamation to the contrary. Angie kept out of sight this week, despite Star's feeble attempt to make Dad giving a helping hand look like the capsizing of the Andrea Dora.

Someone definitely not pregnant but not above using her couture to suggest otherwise is wonky Paris Hilton, who made everyone throw up in their mouths a little at the thought of her with child. Run, Benji, run!

Also still not pregnant but still enamoured of her lover's divine-ing rod is one Jennifer Aniston, who may not be making any babies just yet but is getting lots of practice trying. She lent her pet cock the keys to her Rover and he promptly got pulled over for having no plates on the car. Nobody could be that stupid on purpose; how long do you think she'll put up with his juvenile attention-getting behavior?

Jen wasn't the only one getting some hot tail this week. Cameron Diaz started her week out as Diddy's secret flame only to end up with Jen's leftovers, British model Paul Sculfor.

Tatum O'Neal continued to bask in the publicity from her coke and crack bust, thanking the cops who busted her from a relapse into addiction. Someone who shares some of Tatum's proclivities and none of her remorse is Amy Winehouse, who managed to clean her ass up long enough to trip out on the funhouse-like qualities of criminal court before bailing with a stream of obscenities.

Sadly, we heard the news that late night legend Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his Beverly Hills mansion to foreclosure. The man is 86 years old and millions in debt, after once owning $200 million in real estate. His manager can blame booze, but it sounds like the problems run much deeper than that.

Kinda like yours, dear. I have a feeling you'll be hawking crystals and new age jewelry on the shopping channel in a few years. I hope you socked a few bucks away; you're going to need it when everyone forgets your name.