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Week In Review: Don't Get Mad, Get Everything

Dahling, how do you do it all? You've written books and designed landmark buildings. You were a trailblazer and taught all the others how to be a cougar with class. You even survived a cheesy reality show. But will you survive this marriage?

Yes, dahling, I know, he's a gorgeous slab of beef. But you two spend more time fighting than making up, a situation at best unhealthy. You've had such an illustrious life - beauty queen, business mogul, righteously rewarded wife, connoisseur of hot international young men - it just seems almost tawdry to end up a gossip post-script. I remember the days you stood head and shoulders above folks like these.

Angelina dropped the Wonder Twins. No, she didn't. She's in no great rush - Brad thinks she's hot all swelled up like that.

Someone else is going to have a baby and is all happy that he didn't actually have to cleave with the mother to make it. Craigslist star Clay Aiken announced this week that he and his BFF will be raising a little tot made with his spermalot. No mess, no fuss, in turkey baster we trust.

Pep squad enthusiast Charlie Sheen married his third wife, Brooke Mueller, this week amid rumors of tranny prostitutes and otherwise infested sperm being responsible for yet another mouth for him to feed. Michael K gives it six months; I say 4 years.

Bill Murray's wife filed for divorce after ten years this week, citing his alcoholism, sex and pot addiction, abuse and abandonment. I guess that whole golf cart rampage over in Europe wasn't such an isolated incident after all.

Also filing for divorce this week was TV legal hottie Dylan McDermott, who plans to represent himself against his wife, claiming that old standby, "irreconcilable differences". Sounds like someone's taking his craft too seriously.

Someone definitely not taking her job too seriously is Lindsay Lohan, still riding the media wave of sapphic love by keeping her Sam close at her side. She brought Sam to New York this week, and managed to avoid contact with her father while her mother first denied her relationship with Sam then claimed that "if she's happy, I'm happy". On her transcontinental flight back to LA, Lindsay reportedly had an asthma attack that caused her to visit the ER upon landing. And so the cycle begins yet again ...

Yet another cycle was perpetuated when George Clooney broke up with Sarah Larson and bleached his teeth. She had a good run, but everyone knew it was coming.

The nation was saddened by the deaths this week of comic legend Harvey Korman and Sidney Pollack, director of such classics as "The Way We Were" and "Tootsie". Both men were brilliant and the best in their fields.

And lastly, a shocked nation stood by helplessly as Will Smith drank the barley milk, torpedoing any public goodwill toward his newly-opened school or any future creative endeavors. That mark of Xenu is the kiss of death at the box office - mark my words. Someone else who would do well to heed those words is young Disney star Miley Cyrus, who found herself square in the sights of none other than John Travolta after yet another embarrassing set of revealing pictures was released. All this provided just enough distraction to allow Katie Holmes to fly off to new York - ALONE - to begin preparing for her Broadway debut. While her respite was brief as her family and minders have since rejoined her, we're glad she got a little time away from the little despot.

Speaking of despots, you've done quite well since you left yours; I hope you remember to keep to the high road no matter how rocky it gets. And I wouldn't count on his current union to last forever; did you read the blind item about the real estate mogul caught patronizing the working girls? That scowl the Mrs. wears might be more than just a pose after all.













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