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Looking back, that whole gender question seems pretty small. If only things had stayed that simple. Now you've all learned the hard way that he doesn't always know best. Who'd have thought you'd end up on top? Don't flatter yourself, though; it wasn't a big heap.
It must have been hard to grow up in his shadow. He was always larger than life, which is saying a lot when you factor in his physique. It all seemed so neat and tidy for a while there: You were going to be the next club queen, your bro the next Earnhardt, and your parents would be able to tan out in obscurity on the panhandle.
All that has changed, faster than a blink of the eye. A handsome young man's life was ruined (and no, we're not talking about the driver). A marriage was shattered over who'd get what was left, and now they're both acting like buffoons. How's a nice girl supposed to make a living with all this going on? Ask this week's subjects - I'm sure they'll have some tips for the budding famewhore.
The queen of all media whores came out swinging this week, saying "the gloves are off" in her never-ending battle with he who vows not to say her name but can't help himself. She pulled an ace out of her sleeve, releasing a years-old recording of a profanity-laced message he left on her voice mail. The controversy has gotten so bad it's coloring Charlie's new marriage to Brooke. They even cut their honeymoon short over their bickering, but I think Denise is only part of it: A bigger part is Brooke's desire for children, and Charlie's inability to see children as anything other than implements of Satan.
Some would say Denise just needs to find a new man to tear asunder, but it might not be that easy. Getting regularly sowed and reaped has done nothing to improve the temperament of she whose bone structure does little to soften her looks. If this movie doesn't take off maybe Hollywood will finally catch on that the series thing was just a fluke and that was the best it could be.
Also still together are butterscotch killer Kate and her one nut bike boy, who amazed us all by continuing to appear in public together again this week.
We send out congratulations to little Jamie Lynn and her shotgun-totin', quad-ridin' babydaddy Casey on the arrival of little Maddie. Mother and child are doing well and resting comfortably. Not resting so comfortably was big sis and new auntie Britney, who only stayed long enough to grab an order of po' boys and crawdaddies before heading back to her West Coast life. The paps were sure happy to see Brit back, but her bodyguards weren't feeling the love, and a fracas broke out in the airport. That's one way to upstage your little sis!
In dearly departed news, we mourn the passing of two Hollywood legends: Film star Cyd Charisse, who passed away this week at 86, and Mimi LaRue, the flamboyant Pug who made Tori Spelling and her creepy husband look good. Now that Mimi's gone, Liam and his baby sister will have their work cut out for them; Mom and Dad have grown accustomed to their all-holds-barred media whore lifestyle and aren't about to go softly into any night any time soon.
Finally, in not dead yet news, http://www.usmagazine.com/amy-winehouse-hospitalized-after-fainting">Amy Winehouse was admitted to the hospital earlier this week after suffering a fainting (passing out) spell. Now they won't let her back out, citing a broad spectrum of lung ailments, IV drug detox and an irregular heartbeat. I can understand her family's desperation to get her off drugs, but they have to realize they can't keep her there forever, and if not properly treated for her addictions, she'll be off to her druggist as soon as their backs are turned. TB, emphysema and heart failure are hardly obstacles to the determined crackhead. Get well, Amy, and get clean!
As for you, well, at least you don't have shit like that hanging over your head. Nonetheless, if you expect to actually make a living any time soon, perhaps you should consider a name change. If not, there's always Australia. If they'll hire Tara Reid they'll hire anyone. Just leave Mom and Dad at home.