Hey, if that's all you've got going for you, by all means, flaunt away. It's not like you've got anything else going for you really. Just flop out those fun bags whenever a need for publicity arises, and you should be good for at least another 40 years before you approach Van Doren territory.

To give credit where it's due, yes, you've appeared in some very nice movies where you were fortunate enough to work with much better, more experienced artists who made you look much better than you actually are. But I haven't been impressed by anything you've done that wasn't spoonfed to you. That album? Not fit for psychological warfare. Seriously, it's mediocre at best. Now comes word that you blew your chance to go to Cannes because you tried to go the diva route - honey, please. Learn from these examples, lest ye burn all bridges ye be traipsin' over.

Pete and Ashlee tied the knot as expected this weekend. People paid $1-million-plus for the wedding pictures, and after the deed was done, the couple finally admitted the impetus for the ceremony.

That had to be hard on older sister Jessica, who had a hellacious week. Media outlets everywhere were screaming that http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/ent/stories/0514glpeppard.fd58ff17.html ">she and Tony had broken up, but her publicists are still denying it. Some say it was because of her meddling father; some say it was because of her unrequited love for John Mayer; still others speculate that Jessica's deviant sexual preferences scared him away. Whatever the reason, Jessica responded to the whole mess by binge-drinking all week.

No one was terribly surprised when Kate and Owen broke up again, Kate being Kate and all. A bit more shocking was her quick public debut with Lance Armstrong, who's also a friend of Owen. Do you think she was seduced by his shiny yellow jersey, or was it the one-ball thing?

Another odd pairing continued to fascinate and disgust us as Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse showed off their affection for each other with some PDA. They were so self-absorbed that they forgot their friend outside, and cops had to remove him from Amy's garage. They also enraged animal rights groups everywhere by playing with newborn mice with their grimy cracked-out hands.

Neither cracked out nor pregnant, a medically bloated Britney took off for Costa Rica with Mel and Robyn Gibson, her former Malibu neighbors. They've taken an interest in helping poor Brit through her tough times. Also helping Brit through tough times is her ex-husband Kevin, who gladly phones in some lovin' once a week or so. All that help hasn't done anything for her driving ability, though - she got into yet another fender-bender this week. Hire a driver, Brit.

In Has-been news this week, Taylor Dane was charged with DUI this week. Dane was actually popped on March 6, but this was the first we'd heard of it. So much for that publicity stunt - think she'll announce a pregnancy soon?

See what I mean? You could end up like any of these ... or worse. And that hotter-than-hot man you've sunken your teeth into? Yes, he put a ring on your finger, but he did that for the last one, too, and she waited four long years before giving up. Hope you're patient.