To their Skipper and the Professor. Mary Ann doesn't count; she's always listing to port and you know she's spiking her fiber shakes. But the other two, especially the big burly one, still talk down to you. Why does he always belittle you so? What's really behind all that feigned resentment and sexual tension?

Did you really think no one knew? Those staged photo ops fooled no one. He keeps toying with you, making you think you had to go out and prove something. You only looked silly - like the rest of this week's boobs. Be glad you've never sunken so low

In downward spiral news, Amy Winehouse had yet another bad week of incoherent ranting and non-stop partying. She parted ways with producer Mark Ronson and will not be singing the new Bond theme. Ronson says, "I’m not sure Amy is ready to work on music yet.” Her father wants to have her committed and she's banging the guitarist from Babyshambles but left a visit with Blake Incarcerated with a hickey on her neck. When is she going to be rock-bottom enough to get some help?

Someone who may be joining her on her deathwish drug binge is Pete Doherty, who was released after serving only 29 days of a 14-week sentence. He says he's going to get blasted for three days straight to celebrate all the lessons he learned while locked up. Where were none.

Another trainwreck in the making, former porn star Jenna Jameson, was told to take her lap-dancing, alleged drug-taking ass out of the Chinawhite club in London this week, where the buddy system is definitely not allowed in the loo. The bouncers called Jenna and her friend "American pigs" and showed them the door.

Speaking of, Lindsay Lohan finally landed a respectable gig, albeit small-screen, for a limited run on "Ugly Betty" as a down-on-her-luck high school friend of Betty. Lindsay also saw her image in an ABI (Booze industry) ad against the movement to install ignition interlock systems in every car. Lindsay and her peeps were not amused by their use of her mug shot as poster child for excessive drinking. You know, because regular people never get into alcohol-related accidents.

In sudden elopment to the Bahamas without a pre-nup news, you'll never guess what Mariah Carey did this week. I guess she didn't mind being the second woman he gave that ring to.

In trying to seem normal again news, Tom Cruise returned to the Oprah show to try to undo the damage the whole couch-jumping thing made to his career. Us Weekly has a pretty thorough transcript, but it's neither revealing nor terribly stimulating. While he was enjoying Telluride, Katie was serving out time at brainwashing camp. Curiously enough, Suri finally re-emerged from the shadows with lighter, reddish hair. Is that what happened to Nicole?

See, he's been in denial for years, and look what it's done to him. It's your decision, though. In the meantime, you keep sneaking around the gentlemen's clubs and bath houses pretending no one recognizes you. That's the way he likes you.