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Week In Review: She's Got Herself A Universe

It's like the song says, "If you feel it, must be real", right? I remember when you first hit the big time. You were a slutty Catholic girl who was the biggest pest on the New York club scene, just wouldn't leave the spin jocks alone until they'd play your songs. It was your image and flair for controversy that made you a star than any musical talent you may have had. You were the original media whore, and you reinvented yourself - successfully - more times than anyone in history.

And now you've done it again. When some of your peers have sat back and gotten fat churning out greatest hits compilations and farewell tours, once again you've proven who the queen really is. But everyone knows you still get your freak on, Blackberry or no. You justified it years ago. This week's biggest newsmakers all have a bit of freak in them, too. Check out what they've been up to - it'll be like a stroll down memory lane.

Your little buddy Britney continues to improve. Papa Spears has mandated a bra-and-panty check before Britney's allowed to leave the house. Technically, she was in compliance, although the bra was two cup sizes too small and bright yellow beneath a sheer white blouse. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

In other dumb blond news, Jessica Simpson spent some time in hospital this week for excessive team spirit. No, actually, it was a kidney infection, but we all know what was at the root of the problem. Why is it that everyone made a big deal out of that, and not out of the fact that she was an alleged active participant in the John Mayer-Perez Hilton hookup? Yes, I did say "participant" and not "witness". Papa Joe would be so proud.

In crazy bitch news, Naomi Campbell got herself arrested at Heathrow Airport for spitting on and assaulting a bobby cop. Naomi was boarding a British Airways flight when she went cuckoo over a missing bag. So much for therapy and community service. I say lock the bitch up before she kills someone.

In crazy little religious zealot news, little Tommy Cruise actually got rave reviews for his role as a portly, balding movie exec in Tropic Thunder. The Little Emperor was less than pleased, however, to hear that a particularly potent brand of medicinal marijuana has been named after him.

Kate Moss and her perpetually perky nipples clocked some Mommy time this week in Malibu as she hosted a playdate for her daughter, Lila. Presumably she was wearing one of her nicotine patches and not dropping ashes on their little heads.

In idle drug-addled possibly disinherited oil heir news, Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis unveiled a new, much slimmer physique, leading everyone to speculate whether his dramatic loss was due to drugs, surgery or a combination of the two. Lest Grandmother Barbara get a minute of peace, however, brother Greasy was filmed on a racist, homophobic tirade aimed toward paparazzi that was caught on tape. That poor, poor woman. She should just donate it all to charity.

On a much happier note, Beyonce and Jay-Z finally tied the knot on Friday. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact he's about to become $150 million richer and New York is a community property state. Do you think he made her sign a pre-nup? I bet Mama Knowles didn't like that.

Not as lucky in the marriage sweepstakes is Vanessa Minnillo, who after two years of heavy campaigning and reluctant birth control is no closer to wedding Nick Lachey than she was when they first met. Hey, she'll always have the hot tub photos, right? She can put them in her scrapbook next to the Lindsay knife shots.

Her book can't compare to your book, though, graphic and tawdry as it was. But that's behind you now. I'd tell you to relax and enjoy the spoils, but we all know you better than that. You're probably buying up the rest of the block as we speak.













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