You should have stayed with the first babymama. She had a lot of back but at least her head was on straight. She would have been happy with the arrangement indefinitely, and you only had to work a couple days a week. But no, you got greedy, then you got seedy and knocked her up. Twice. And that's when the fun started.

That girl unraveled faster than a Ronco apple peeler. What started out as spoiled and demanding quickly turned into raving and despotic and you bailed. Things got really bad for a while, but now you've got the kids and she even pays you a bucket of money each month. Life is good, right? Maybe not. I hear Dad's sick of the whole caregiver thing and wants to hand off the whole ball of wax ... to you. Can you do it for the money without losing your freakin' mind? These people thought they could, too, and look where they are now.

The Church of Xenu continued its clandestine celebrity recruiting drive this week as Kirstie Alley announced she had signed a pact with Oprah's production company to produce an unspecified show or series. With the Enquirer trumpeting Oprah's recent climb to 246 pounds and Kirstie losing her Jenny Craig gig for bulking up again, maybe they can do a show on losing weight without surgery or dangerous drugs. Also rumored to be climbing aboard the mother ship this week were Will and Jada Smith, according to an MSNBC report that they've been secretly donating to the church for years. So concerned for their box office was Sony that they contacted MSNBC and demanded the story be removed from the web. MSNBC refused, and Sony made Will release a statement denying any association with Xenu or his minions.

Speaking of Xenu and his minions, another fruit of the church's fertility program hit the cover of People this week, as JLo showed off little Max and Emme and their opulent lifestyle. The drill team of precision nannies were just out of the frame, making sure the babies didn't muss up or disturb their mother at all when the cameras weren't snapping shots. People paid Jennifer and Marc $6 million for their twelve-page exclusive; I wonder how much the couple had to donate to the church to be eligible for whatever it was they did to make the eggs stick.

In hair news, Gwyneth "My Pony" Paltrow chopped off half her hair this week. She looked surprisingly good; it was almost a relief to see something other than the Posh bob.

In crazy one-legged British bitch news, Heather Mills finally got her long-awaited $50 million divorce settlement from Sir Paul. She took the opportunity to douse Paul's barrister with water when the judgment was announced, but it was the judge who exposed her as the sleazy manipulator she is. I say she'll be filing for bankruptcy, or taking Paul back to court for more money, in five years or less.

We got to see a lot of unauthorized nudity this week, as naughty pictures of Sex and the City's Kristen Davis and The Hills' Audrina Partridge were released. Ladies, I don't know how many times we have to say this: don't leave without the pictures. They will come back to haunt you. The grottiest picture of the week of course was the alleged Blohan BJ shot, which turned out not to be Lindsay after all. Her friends were so sure it was, though. How sad.

In other slutty young girl news, Donald Trump had some answering to do when pictures were published of a 17-year-old girl, naked except for Trump Vodka body paint, pouring and pounding drinks at his Super Bowl party. He who runs his empire with a steel fist cannot explain how such a thing could happen under his watch. I'm sure Melania was thrilled as well.

The shot girl may not be in trouble yet, but if she keeps traveling down this path she'll end up like Ashley Dupre, notorious Spitzer call girl who saw her million-dollar offer from Joe Francis evaporate like so much smoke when he discovered hours of footage filmed on the GGW bus three years ago. Joe has already put together a Hookers Gone Wild DVD that he's giving away free with the premiere issue of his new GGW magazine.

Finally, a moment of silence, please, for a phenomenon that passed almost as quickly as Ashley Dupre's 15 minutes of fame: PageSix.com, which shuttered its little corner of the Post's home page after a brief and shaky foray into the blogosphere. The site was said to be a casualty of vicious infighting but really never caught on like its predecessor, Page Six, which continues to thrive both online and in print.

See what I mean? There's all kinds of crazy. You let those hillbillies drag you down South like they want to and you'll never see Vegas again. Hell, you'll never see outside the gates again. They'll make sure of it. Don't believe them about the restaurant either. You saw what happened the last time she tried to open a restaurant. You just sit tight and keep cashing those checks like everyone else around her. Daddy will make sure the money lasts for a while.