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Week In Review: Why Are You Still Here?

I know Papa told you persistence pays off, but you have to remember, he's making money no matter what you do. He gets his fee no matter what, and between you and your sister he's made himself quite comfortable. Speaking of, look what he's done for her - blew up her marriage, buried her career, had to pay some guy to go out with her ... it's just ugly. Seedy and ugly. Kind of like this week's clown parade ... see what I mean after the jump.

Britain's Daily Mail continued its unhealthy obsession with bony body parts this week with a pointed attack (pun intended) on Nicky's Hilton's knobby knees. Previous recipients of the Mail's attention include Kate Moss and her knobby knees, Liz Hurley's curdled ass and Angelina Jolie's spindly limbs.

After recovering from a disastrous start to the new year, Pamela Anderson filed papers this week to get her blessedly brief marriage to Scum annulled. Here's hoping she cleans it up for the new year; she's starting to look like an Eagles song.

Not so banged up is Hollywood's bumper crop of celebrity babies. JLo and Skeletor's Max and Emme take the prize for most expensive little bundles of joy, with a $1.4 million birthing bill and $600,000 a year security detail. Christina Aguilera wanted all that and more for her little Max, but had a fit and fired her publicist when she only got $1.5 million from People for his pictures. That was a sum Nicole Richie was happy to accept for pictures of her little Harlow, who is just adorable. But the bump that will dwarf them all made its appearance this week, as Brad and Angie showed off their upcoming arrival, while she who has no business birthin' more babies made us all worry some more.

Lest our coverage be deemed biased, we do have news of a manly nature this week. More precisely, a man-on-man nature, as Ben and Jimmy declared their love for the world and the YouTubes.

The artist now comfortable being known as Prince again revealed to the world that while he might appear half-grown, he is in fact approaching middle age and experiencing wear and tear on his higher-mileage parts.

Lastly, a dark thought to ponder: The two doctors who had prescribed meds to Heath Ledger were cleared this week of giving him the Vicodin and Oxycontin said to be chiefly responsible for his death. So where did he get them? Is that why Mary Kate sent her security guards down to his apartment before the cops were called? I smell a duck.

So now that you're getting the urge to settle down, do you think it's wise to go public so soon? Papa's never liked that boy; I think it's the ironed hair, but perhaps it's the dilated pupils. Regardless, unless there's something in the oven, it's not going to fly with him unless you cut him in on the baby pictures.













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