You know, there's a lot of people who say that if it wasn't for her, you'd be nothing more than the child of a famous person. That little gig you had together put both of you on the map. And really, what have you done since then except skip a few meals?

There was that big fight. You know, the one that you won't talk about except to say she knows what she did. Then you both got in trouble, with her going away and you getting pregnant. Now you're a mommy and she wants to party again, but you'd rather stay in. Setting her up with the ever-present brother was a stroke of genius, but my God, what will you do if they marry and decide to breed? The world is already overrun with lunatics and losers. See what I mean after the jump.

This week the family that spells loser L-O-H-A-N continued their media blight. White Oprah has begun plugging her new reality show like a juiced pony on the quarter mile. The papa who preaches took his evangelical show to the front lines, going to a titty bar to get the working girls right with Jesus. Witnesses say he declined a lap dance but observed others in action close by. Meanwhile, their little money maker was out heaving her breasts in all directions, desperately seeking a job. She swears she's learned her lesson, but a hard week of clubbing with the pissy little dyke left her http://dlisted.com/node/24366">pale and bloated.

Speaking of pale and bloated, indictments were handed down this week against Barron Hilton - DUI, unlicensed - and Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis - DUI, possession - as well. While both first time offenders, look for Jason to face more serious time; he was caught holding heroin, not cocaine, as was first believed. I wonder if Grandma Barbara has cut off his trust fund, too.

For every trust fund baby that moves on, however, there comes another to solidify their rank in the stratosphere. One such newcomer to the gang, little Dannielynn Smith continued her recovery from eye surgery this week, her spirits undoubtedly cheered by the news she's been named her mother's sole legal heir. This means she can continue to support her daddy in the style and comfort he feels he's earned.

Another daughter, considerably bigger-boned and more manly, is having a much tougher time lately, what with her parents' nasty divorce and this week's revelations that her daddy was shagging her BFF. The revelations made her want to join the circus and become a human catapult.

Then there's that other mother's daughter, the unpleasant one with the bat face and large rubbery thighs. She must have already joined the circus, because she's been spotted walking around town in some kind of costume.

The Canadian doppelganger for the girl we just discussed had a difficult week as she continued her well-earned slide back into obscurity. Her tour is tanking badly, with tepid ticket sales and vicious reviews. It's gotten so bad that it's begun to affect her husband's tour as well, as a number of Sum 41 dates had to be moved to smaller venues when tickets didn't move. The pointy little shrew, seeing the writing on the wall, has announced her new unisex clothing line. She has certain daily expenses that need to be met, and churning out cheap, uninspired duds is sure to keep her in the white, I mean, black.

Another celebrity who has decided to try their hand at designing clothes is one Matthew McConnaughey, who announced this week that he'll be http://www.usmagazine.com/Matthew_McConaughey_To_Launch_jk_livin_Clothing_Line ">launching a line of beach and surf wear to address the special needs of the freakishly short-armed.

Lastly, on a somber note, we learned this week that our beloved Patrick Swayze of such 80s hits as Dirty Dancing, Ghost and Point Break has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. While initial reports gave him only five weeks to live, subsequent statements from his publicist are somewhat more optimistic. We spent a little time on the YouTubes watching his greatest film moments, and we cried a little. It's been said that Patrick smoked like three packs of cigarettes a day - he is only 55.

You know it's too late to be trippin' on the phone here. Get off the wire; you know everything is good here. Go out and have some fun and don't worry about the baby. That's what grandmothers are for, and she's too young to hold it against you.