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Week In Review: Horseshoes & Handgrenades Do Not A Career Make



What is this, Requiem for a Boy-bander? I don't even remember which one you were part of; I guess it's not that important. The point is those were the best years of your life, and it's all been a letdown since. Am I right?

You went from boy in the band to taking the hand of America's sweetheart, but she wasn't quite as pure as she made out to be, and there were pillows to prove it. The divorce was inevitable, but you made out better than anyone thought you could. Now you and that crazy broad from the club just travel everywhere. But you're still on the fringes, D-list at best with no where to go but down ... like these guys. What a round-up this week.

Eliot Spitzer continued his accelerated descent this week as yet another high-end call girl hitched her wagon to his caravan. The burly Kristin Davis of Wicked Models was said to have "personally interfaced" with the Gov more than once, but hasn't said whether his socks were on or off. Ashley Dupre, the Jersey ho that cost Spitzer his job and possibly marriage, likewise continued her descent back into obscurity when she saw a million dollar offer from Girls Gone Wild evaporate when they realized they had already passed her around a few years ago.

Eliot's successor, Governor Paterson, hasn't been shy with his little guy either, and admitted to numerous trysts with women other than his wife while they went through a "rough patch". I bet.

The celebrity DUI of the week award goes to Richie Sambora, who got popped with a non-famous woman and two children in the car, one of which was his daughter, Ava. Later this weekend came news that charges may not stick; Sambora insisted on a blood test instead of breathalyzer that night - did he know something the cops didn't?

Someone who probably won't get off so lightly is Remy Ma, who was convicted of four out of nine charges and faces up to 25 years when sentenced. Remy shot a party buddy in the abdomen late one night in lower Manhattan when $3,000 in cash allegedly disappeared from her purse. Remy and her family thought her very limited fame was a get-out-of-jail pass right up until the verdict was read. She was remanded to custody until her sentencing in April.

Rapper T.I. plead guilty this week to federal weapons charges for trying to buy machine guns and silencers. As a convicted felon he faced up to ten years, but will complete 1,500 hours of community service before serving a year behind bars.

The controversy around Heath Ledger's estate continued to swirl this week, as the Ledger family continued to feud over who was fit and how much the estate is worth. This weekend we also heard that Matilda might have some company: Heath may have fathered a love child with an old school chum.

Robin Williams' wife of 19 years filed for divorce this week, citing the usual "he hasn't shut up in 19 years and is no longer amusing" excuse. Also filing (and not for the first time) was Kimora Lee Simmons, who was seeking release from he who made her wealthy beyond belief. Somehow I don't think he's very sad - have you seen his new girlfriend, Portia? Ay, papi, she's muy caliente!

Fall Out Boy were set to break the world record for appearing on all seven continents in the shortest amount of time this week, but were thwarted when the weather in Antarctica was too severe. Nobody noticed they were gone anyway.

Daytime TV saw a changing of the guard as Ellen eclipsed Oprah as favorite daytime host. Don't cry for the Big O, though - she's got her hands full keeping Kirstie Alley out of the fridge, and she's got to help Gayle move into that penthouse pussy palace she bought her in Manhattan.

See what I mean? You're not quite as bad as some of these guys, but you just don't quite have what it takes to land a respectable gig. And that brother of yours isn't helping things. You got him a job and what did he do? I'm not sure, but I heard it had something to do with unsafe oral practices. I heard he almost got a divorce over it, but they seem to be working it out.

Speaking of squeaking by, you managed to escape that little hot tub thing last year. Saved your image and got her off your back about the marriage and babies thing, didn't it? You may be the king of almost, but you won't be able to dodge that bullet forever. Just be careful - last time she broke your nose, didn't she? I guess she doesn't believe in almost.



 






 

 

 

 








 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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