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Week In Review: Almost As Bad As That Other Mother

Let's face it. You can sit for those carefully orchestrated interviews and tell the world about the close bond you share with your daughters, but the results suggest a much different reality: one fabulously wealthy and hopelessly scrambled (that boob job before she was old enough to vote and then the pregnancy thing ... ouch), the other so utterly miserable in the life you shoved down her throat that she did the unthinkable to get away. And you call yourself a mother? The only thing separating you from the orange one is your sobriety. All the same, I think we know where your girl gets her crazy from.

Speaking of crazy, this week there was the usual assortment of freaks and geeks running the gamut from mildly delusional to completely over-the-top bonkers. Check it out:

This week's award for most certifiably nuts went to Steve-O, who was finally admitted on a 5150 and is being treated for severe depression and suicidal impulses after a nasty breakup. You can't blame the guy. What girl in her right mind wouldn't fall madly in love with someone who snorts worms and exposes his privates everywhere he goes? It's madness, I tell you. Sheer madness.

Also registering on the crazy meter this week was Heather Locklear, whose therapist called 911 out of concern she was intoxicated and suicidal, but not over Steve-O. I don't know; when I think "crazy", it's not Heather that comes to mind. After EMS and police ascertained that she was in fact calm and stable, they left. I assume she grabbed the phone book to look for a new shrink immediately thereafter.

Someone who does in fact fit the bill for out to lunch without a sandwich just got $50 million dollars richer this week, as the Judge in the McCartney-Mills divorce was said to have completed the divvying of Sir Paul's vast assets. I don't know how long it will take her to burn through it, but burn through it she will. Eligible bachelors beware. Even though it only has one leg it can hurt you.

In debt denial news, Michael Jackson somehow managed to save Neverland from foreclosure after repeatedly defaulting on $24 million in loans. (Note to MJ: If you ignore them, they do NOT go away.) Not as lucky might be Aretha Franklin, who stands to lose her Detroit mansion (wait; there are mansions in Detroit?!?) for $19,192 in back taxes.

This week we learned that Kevin Federline is being paid $175,000 to have his birthday party at Pure in Las Vegas. This is the guy getting $15,000 or more a month in child support. The folks at Pure are happy to have Kevin because he's a big spender and heavy tipper. Surprised? Save it for next week, when he's sure to petition the court to force Britney to pay his legal fees. He can't afford it, y'all.

He better live it up while he can. Britney's getting better every day, y'all. This week she filmed her appearance on How I Met Your Mother, and by all accounts was professional and a pleasure to be around. Not so sweet was her intended co-star, Alicia Silverstone, who bailed rather than share the spotlight with someone even greasier than her.

Not everyone is impressed with Britney's progress, however. Her archnemesis, Posh, renewed their celebu-squabble by panning Britney for slapping her name on products without taking an active part in their development. Didn't know there was a feud? It started last year, when Britney refused to be seated next to Posh at the Chateau Marmont. I can't say as I blame her; anyone would look like they weighed 300 pounds next to Scrawny Spice.

In "Who Cares?" news, Joe Francis got out of jail this week. He says he's never going back to Panama City again, and is hard at work on a new magazine. How long before the IRS puts him back in the clink? It's reported that he's already under investigation for funneling millions into offshore accounts to avoid taxation on the income. Sharp as a spoon, that one.

Similarly swift is one Eliot Spitzer, now the former Governor of New York State, who got busted for trysting with a hooker only four years older than his daughter. Apparently this wasn't the only time, as it was later reported that Spitzer spent $80,000 on similar conjugal connections over the past year or so. Not surprisingly, things are a bit grim in the Spitzer household, as the family awaits word on whether criminal charges will be filed. As aggressive a prosecutor as Spitzer was, it's only fair that they should throw the book at his dirty rump-wrangling ass.

So, yes, Mama, things could always be worse. Papa could be back on the sauce and you could be waiting tables back at the truck stop. That cousin of yours could move his camper trailer into the backyard again, and Lord knows what he'll throw on the grill now. Things could always be worse, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook, and it certainly doesn't mean you're fit to raise the baby that's on the way. Leave them alone and get your own life. If you're nice, maybe the boys will let you work in that restaurant they're buying.













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