In all fairness, Jessica Alba is 14 years younger than Lisa Marie, and was probably in better physical condition than Lisa Marie starting out. And I don't know what Jessica's family is like, but Lisa Marie's daddy was clocked at a solid 250 at the time of his death, and it wasn't because he suddenly became big-boned. (That almost never happens, by the way.) If you take away all these mitigating factors and held a Miss Pregnant USA contest, Jessica would be almost sure to win it. Unless of course there was a talent portion of the competition, and then she'd be a goner.

Alba definitely looks like she's weathering the hormone storm better than Lisa Marie, but we also have to keep in mind that Alba was photographed in a controlled setting and had the benefit of a pit crew of stylists (able to primp, press and jettison the star to a waiting limo in less than 3.5 seconds) while Lisa Marie was photographed in her natural environment, seen here decimating her third plate at the all-you-can-eat buffet. The paparazzi have learned to keep a prudent distance.

Again, to be fair, during my pregnancies I looked more like Lisa Marie than Jessica Alba in her dainty strapless gown. As a matter of fact, there wasn't a dainty cell in my body - I was a hunter, proud to be at the top of the food chain and ready to defend my position (and its spoils) vigorously. Lisa Marie looks to be that kind of pregnant, and to the victor, I say, go the spoils. Get that girl a T-bone and a slab of chocolate cake.