I know what y'all are doing. I've seen that funny jacket before, and there's no way I'm putting that thing on again. Do you know how hard it is to bite your nails and smoke trussed up like that? Y'all don't care about me. Y'all only want my money. You only came back because you can't make money on her anymore. She won't go back, and you can't make her. Even if you do take her baby.

If only there was a way to go back in time ...

The wickedly funny Sarah Silverman gave her boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel a memorable present for his fifth anniversary as a late night host. I can't believe she's f***ing Matt Damon. Lucky girl. I can beat that, though - hands down.

Not all girls are so lucky. Poor Lily Allen got dumped by her Chemical Brother boyfriend just two weeks after miscarrying his baby. What a cad. Hasn't he seen that video of hers? Hope he's got a remote start on his car.

Also on that side of the pond, the Spice Girls, having amassed enough to retire comfortably, decided to cancel the rest of their tour. The two Mels were concerned they wouldn't be taken seriously as artists (imagine that!) and Posh wanted to go back to her grown-up career, fashion.

Heath Ledger was finally laid to rest this week amidst continuing rumors of his struggles with drug addiction. His ex, Michelle Williams, finally released a statement that broke our hearts all over again, but made us hope for Matilda.

Shocker of the week: Eva Mendes checked herself into rehab for unspecified substance abuse. Eva's staying at Cirque Lodge in Utah, alma mater # 3 for Lindsay Lohan, whose behavior this week makes us believe she's going to hit it again a fourth time.

Lindsay wasn't the only loud, obnoxious drunk this week. Sean Young made an ass of herself at - and was forcibly ejected from - the Directors Guild Awards this week. She then promptly checked her sorry ass into rehab. Not that it will help her career; everyone's still afraid to hire her.

Of course we can't talk about celebrity meltdowns without mentioning the Queen of All Crazy, Britney Spears, who had a very busy week indeed. The Spears family finally got their hillbilly asses out to LA and pulled off a successful intervention after four unsuccessful attempts. That's why she was always driving around, y'all. She knew they were after her. Her shrink finally talked her into being admitted to UCLA Medical Center, where she remains on a 14-day sabbatical. The power struggle over who her conservator will be continues, as Britney's parents banish Osama Lufti from her life and he tells the tabloids they're trash. I'm sure they'll all be in court bright and early Monday morning.

Star Jones and TruTV agreed that she's got to go. Star doesn't care; she had a pay-or-play contract, so she's getting paid anyway, and now she has all the time in the world to spend every single minute of every single day right there by Big Gay Al's side. Al and his girls at the dog walk are not pleased.

Little Tommy Cruise had a really tough week, too. L. Ron told me not to have a cow, but he's not the favorite son anymore. The Simpsons' Nancy Cartwright, voice of Bart Simpson, donated 10 million dollars to the church this year. She should be mysteriously pregnant any day now. Tom did his best to combat all that negative publicity he's been receiving. He even rescued an endangered hawk, flying it from Phoenix to a sanctuary in Colorado. Does that sound staged to you? Because we hate him just as much, we were skeptical, too. So was Page Six, who dug up a long history of suspiciously heroic acts perpetrated by Cruise and his PR squad.

OK, y'all. I thought long and hard about all this mess, and I think I'd like to take another ride in that fancy ambulance machine again. I could use some time away, and maybe I'll get lucky and y'all will kill each other before I get back. Just make sure to feed the dog while I'm gone, all right?