I've got a life, too, you know. While neither glamorous nor exciting, it does pay the bills, which is more than I can say for you. But I understand that your needs are unique and expensive, so we'll just have to ... tighten our belts, I guess. Don't look at me like that. How come every time I talk about leather restraints you offer me a cup of tea and I don't remember a thing until morning? It's odd, dear. But not as odd as what's lurking after the jump.

A literary David - Chef Missy Lupine - took a shot at a wealthy and socially superior Goliath - Jessica Seinfeld - this week when she sued Mrs. Seinfeld for plagiarizing her Sneaky Chef book. Also included were charged against Mr. Seinfeld for accusing her of being an opportunistic crackpot on national TV. I can understand now why they say the rich live by their own rules.

Father of the year (if only by default) Kevin Federline is said to be penning a tell-all of his marriage to trailer trash to rich white trash Britney Spears. He must be using a ghost writer - I wasn't aware he could read and write. It's not like he needs the money. If Britney keeps up the crazy train he may never have to work again.

Another rich bitch (at least she was) who refused to live by society's rules was also served this week. Lindsay Lohan is being sued by the woman she chased in a coke-and-booze-fueled fury last year. The woman, mother of the assistant who just ditched Lindsay, claims to have been so traumatized that she had to quit her $60,000/year job and get therapy, chiropractic care and lots of prescription drugs among other alleged expenses. She took a six-month siesta and now she wants Blohan to pay for it, but word on the street is Blohan is broke and nobody wants to hire her. I'm sure her mother will give her the money.

Mischa Barton's attempt to catapult back into the spotlight on a wave of pity after earning her rite of passage with a DUI has gone nowhere. She even put on a bra and went to Good Shephard Church in Beverly Hills, but not before setting up the photo shoot with the tabloids. When that didn't work, she called it in to Ryan Seacrest. Ever the protective big sister, Mischa's sudden candor was an attempt to detract attention from her sister's overdose and subsequent return to rehab, but even this backfired when she came across as sounding insincere and condescending. She'll probably avoid any jail time, but shouldn't count on any good roles any time soon.

Andrew Morton's Tom Cruise biography came out this week to mixed reviews: some were unimpressed while others were scandalized by the stunning revelations. However all this was quickly overshadowed by the release of the Tom Cruise video the Scientologists didn't want us to see and went apeshit to suppress. That, of course, made it even more of a news event.

Meanwhile the true nature and intent of other Scientologists is slowly coming to light, and the true ringleader is not who you expect. Scarier still, they are actively and aggressively recruiting new members, but unless you're filthy rich you've got nothing to worry about. All I can say is be afraid, be very afraid. Having said all that, I now must find a place to hide. They're coming, you know.

They've already snuffed out any spark of life in Katie Holmes and her acting career. Mad Money opened to disappointing numbers this week. While co-stars Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah were lauded for making the best of a sorry situation, Katie's work was universally panned. The best buzz for the movie was created by Keaton when she dropped the F-bomb on Good Morning America.

The Golden Globes were every bit the dud we all thought they'd be, with the worst ratings ever. Perhaps that was the motivating factor that caused the AMPTP to reach a tentative agreement with the Directors' Guild, creating hope that this agreement can be used as a template in their negotiations with the writers. The SAG Awards will go on, as the actors have always shown solidarity for their union brethren, but the Academy Awards are in jeopardy, despite what producers may say.

The Ballad of Yoko Romo lives on, as the Giants trounce the Cowboys to take the playoff berth and Dallas fans pin the blame on Tony's love affair with Jessica Simpson and their trip to Cabo before the game. To give him credit, Tony said Jessica had nothing to do with their poor performance. Turns out Jess may have little or nothing to do with anything, since Papa Joe supposedly set up the whole trip, including the paparazzi tip-off that led to the publicized photos of Tony and his teammates doing the Cabo Wabo with Jess and family. When will she learn that Daddy is poison? Surprisingly, John Mayer leaped to her defense, saying Cowboys fans were sadly mistaken about Jessica's loyalty to her home state. He probably still feels bad about letting her get into the wrong limo, all those months ago.