I've got a cold, OK? I know you don't care; I figured that out the last time you changed the locks and adopted one of Michael Vicks' dogs. He's a cute little bugger. Every time I take him for a walk he tries to push me in front of traffic. How ever did you teach him that? I've taught him a few things, too. Check out what everyone else has been up to this week while I change into my protective gear.

Do you remember the Buttafuocos? 17-year-old Amy Fisher (pronounced "fishuh") shot her lover's wife in the face and earned tabloid immortality as the Long Island Lolita. Now in her late 30s but still as tawdry as ever, Amy is currently hawking the sex tape her husband sold when she ditched him for a televised hook-up with her former lover. Amy and her current husband are now reunited, by the way, and have two children who mostly likely will be scarred for life.

Another example of bad parenting on Long Island is Lindsay Lohan, whose struggles with substance abuse have been exceedingly messy, and unfortunately for her career, exceedingly public. During her stay in Capri, Lindsay was spotted swigging champagne from a bottle on New Year's Eve, and kissing three different men in 24 hours, with contestant # 3 winning an overnight romp. Sadly, the media and public seemed more upset about the champagne than the promiscuity. At this rate Lohan will run out of new men to sleep with in about three weeks.

Lindsay's arch-nemesis, Paris Hilton, did her best to keep up, but she's got a few years on Lindsay and isn't aging well. Being disinherited by your grampy can do that to a girl. With Stavros slutting around in South America, Paris had to make do with whatever she could find. Shrewd self-promoter that she is, Paris did a bang-up job, sharing a hot same-sex kiss with a nobody one night before mounting an assault on the sexual health of Brody Jenner and a babydaddy or two. Ironically enough, the men she cavorted with were ones she shunned just last year.

Everyone pointed their finger and laughed when Mischa Barton did the DUI walk of shame wrapped in the blanket deputies use to cover roadkill and drunks who piss themselves. Hmmm ... maybe that's why she was hiding under a blanket.

The world was stunned as news of Tom and Katie's fertility problems came to light. Just get the little man a step stool. He can't shoot if he can't reach.

And then there was Britney,

who just wanted to get out of the mess she'd made for herself and go back to squandering her fortune. With a little help she might have thought up a better solution, but at least she got to take a ride in the cool red ambulance, with lots of new friends to talk to.

We heard that yes, it's true, Tyra Banks rewarded her hard-working, cross-country-moving staff for all their hard work by throwing a Christmas party at a "dive bar" that served no food. She did stop by with a bag full of cold McDonald's cheeseburgers (from the 99-cent menu!!) before jetting off to Italy. Predictably, her staff got blottoed, fights broke out and a young lady knocked her front teeth out with an unintentional face plant on the sidewalk outside.

With all that going on, do you think dodging a few fast-moving vehicles scares me? I mean, really. How amateurish. I taught puppy how to run a chainsaw this week. Let's see you outrun that. I'll see what's left of you next week.