Where am I? Whose ugly brown Keds are these on my feet? Why am I wearing grandma jeans with the waistband up under my bra? What do you mean, I can't have my car?

Things weren't supposed to be like this. I was on a fast track, leaving all that minor-league serial drama behind for the big screen. People gave me stuff ... all kinds of stuff. Since that nasty Memorial Day party, things have all been a blur. And now this.

My girl Nicole had her baby this week. She had a little girl named Winter. Christina also dropped her kid, too. They say it's a boy, but you know how she is. She won't make an announcement until she's able to wear that clown paint again.

Is there inequity in the halls of justice? Michelle Rodriguez got two DUI's and violates her probation, receiving a six-month sentence. She served only 18 days and was released this week. Also this week, Marion Jones was sentenced to six months on two counts of obstruction of justice. She pleaded for leniency from the judge, citing her two young children, one of whom she's still nursing. The judge told her to stock up on the breast milk and tough it out.

A veritable news industry in and of herself, Britney had no trouble keeping busy without the hassles of supervised visitation and random drug testing. Her parents had a busy time as well, blasting Dr. Phil for publicizing his encounter with Britney without their permission, only to admit later that they had in fact invited the demon in, and changed their minds after realizing what a douche he is. Still claiming concern for their daughter's well-being, the parents are said to be plotting an intervention and forced commitment, something almost impossible to enforce. Still, the tales of her erratic behavior and alleged pill-popping, even though she tested clean, are everywhere. Britney figured her chances of eluding capture were greater if she kept moving, pretending to go to New York City but taking a day trip to Mexico with Adnan, probably picking up some cheap pills without prescription. When she got back to LA, she returned to her routine wandering from gas station to gas station. The topper was seeing her Mercedes shopping, again with Adnan, in her wedding reception dress. The latest buzz is that he's living with her now. Isn't he supposed to be married?

The Golden Globes were canceled, spoiling Rumer's chance of ever holding a job.

Despite being pegged as worst dressed, Posh continued to delight her fans with a delightfully campy Marc Jacobs campaign this week.

What we thought would never happen has finally happened: Nicole Kidman is joyfully pregnant. Can we say the same about her husband (the joy, not the pregnancy)?

Pamela Anderson may or may not also be pregnant, but seems pretty positive about washing that scum right out of her ... oh, never mind. I'm sure there's more where that came from.

Speaking of scum, and the very worst kind. OJ Simpson ran off at the mouth and got his bail revoked. The bondsman with whom he left the incriminating voice mail threatening his accomplice turned him in, saying he won't go to jail for his wife-murdering ass. Incidentally, OJ was also spotted in the Bahamas over the holidays, another bail violation. He'll be sitting there until his bond hearing on Wednesday.

Speaking of bail, thanks for posting mine. Do you have some time? I'd like to pick up my little sister on the way home. She's had some time to detox and she can walk again. Mummy and Daddy are anxiously waiting at home.