Contestant No. 1 is Jessica Biel, once Maxim's sexiest woman, now alleged girlfriend of little Justin Timberlake. I don't know whose idea it was to bleach her hair that dingy shade of dishwater; it is tremendously unflattering to her. She looks washed out and wan ... all except for her new trout lips. Jessica had full lips already - now she looks like a tired old camel. Maybe JT's trying to make her look like Scarlett.

Contestant No. 2 is Lindsay Lohan, who apparently has given up her native red hair for good, opting instead for porn star blond, which not surprisingly fits her like a glove. It's hard to say how much of that is really hers and how much is extensions. Lindsay has been spending a fortune on her hair, getting it done in an upscale salon almost daily, and it looks good. It sets off her bargain bin all-in-black wardrobe ensemble, chemically plumped lips and spray tanned skin perfectly.

The morale of the story is blond is our friend, but in the wrong hands it can be dangerous, even deadly. The long flouncy curls work on Lohan more because of her nature than anything else. Biel doesn't look hotter as a blond, she just looks really tired.