You know, it was really nice of you to make dinner tonight. I didn't even know you could cook. I'm still not sure about it; my stomach feels kinda funny and the room is spinning. I've never had meatloaf numb out my mouth like that. I better go call Poison Control. While we're waiting for the ambulance I'll fill you in on what everybody else did this week - you're going to need a good alibi.

Jessica Alba confirmed her engagement to layabout Cash Warren this week. It did little to improve her mood.

Cash and his cow can only wish to last as long as Sean Penn and Robin Wright, who announced their divorce after 11 years. I really liked them as a couple.

At the ripe old age of 15, Hannah Montana flirts with lesbian love. What is it about Disney that turns such young girls into exhibitionists? Golf claps for Miley, though, for at least keeping her clothes on.

Speaking of exhibitionist Disney chicks, their most infamous alumnus pulled out all the stops to steal some of the spotlight from her pregnant little sister. When that didn't work, she tried to Grinch her sons out of their presents from Grandma.

Britney's British counterpart in crazy, Amy Winehouse, finally made a good decision, jetting off to the Caribbean for a tropical holiday, leaving Blake to rot in jail. Not to worry about him, though; Pete Doherty will watch over him while she's away. She better make the most of it - she has been ordered to appear in Norwegian court to answer drug possession charges. Hopefully she'll fare better than her husband.

Speaking of jail, Mischa Barton finally got to see one up close when she got nailed for suspicion of DUI and possession. Long overdue, if you ask me. She will continue to honor her New Year's Eve hosting commitment, though, if for no other reason than to cover her legal and rehab bills.

Speaking of rehab, frequent flier Lindsay Lohan found out the hard way not to trust a guy who shags you in a stairwell, as Riley Giles first spills his guts in a seedy tell-all to News of the World then sells semiclad photos of her for less than she spends on Rodeo Drive in an afternoon.

Speaking of loser, Spencer Pratt worked hard to change his image from douchebag to humanitarian, but refused to face his destiny.

Sometimes, however, destiny is too strong to be denied. Jessica Simpson won the dubious distinction of having the worst movie premiere ever, as her eight-theater Texas-only vanity release of Blonde Ambition made a paltry $1,200 in box office. So sad.

If they can enjoy their holidays, then why can't I? I'm off to get my stomach pumped again. Hopefully this time they'll have enough evidence to prosecute you. I'll leave you with this cheery photo of Mischa being released from the drunk tank. It's sure to be a festive New Year in the Barton house this year. See you next week.