Does anyone in Hollywood use a condom these days? Is Pinkberry a fertility drug? Jessica Alba, Lily Allen, and of course the biggest knock-up of the week was none other than 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears, who had bareback sex with her live-in boyfriend. Is it any wonder Mama Spears' book on being a stage mom has been "indefinitely postponed"?

A wholesome and unselfish young woman got x17 Online all worked up over her claims that she slept with Tony Parker, including her explicit description of certain acts better left indescribable. Parker responded with a $20 million lawsuit so Eva would stop nagging at him, even though some in the know say he doesn't have a chance in hell ... in the marriage or the courtroom.

Tom Sizemore got out of jail. No one noticed. No one cared. Hope he's got his substance abuse issues behind him for good.

Speaking of, longtime battler of her own demons Liza Minnelli collapsed on stage during a performance in Sweden. It was later reported by foreign press that she was wasted on painkillers and booze. Her douchey ex-husband squeezed his slimy self into a dress and makeup to parody her and ended up in the hospital with suspected heart trouble. As suspected, they couldn't find one.

Another questionable couple had their ups and downs this week. Pam and Scum decided to split up after only two months, allegedly after Scum saw the pictures of a drunken Pam hanging all over scuzzy Criss Angel. Seeing that their marriage still got them publicity made them decide to keep trying for that reality show.

Speaking of sloppy drunken blonds, Tara Reid continued her cirrhosis world tour, making a rough landing in Bali.

And an allegedly not drunk Lindsay Lohan practiced some replacement therapy this week, getting spun and muffed all in the same week. Hell, knowing her, at the same time.

So stop looking all down. You're not pregnant, I'm not pregnant, and the writers' strike just might save us from award season. Let's play Santa and the bad little elf. I'll grab the pointy shoes, you grab the bull whip, and we'll fa-la-la-la-la till the cows come home.