Just when parents thought they'd found an affordable alternative to video games, Aqua Dots were recalled due to possible drug poisoning if the pretty little beads are ingested. No tacky jokes here - three young children are in a coma.

Tongues were gagging as Lily Allen's name came up as the new face of Agent Provocateur. Luckily Holy Moly quashed the hysteria before millions put their eyes out with red-hot pokers. Just the thought of that baby seal strapped to a buoy at low tide ...

Who says the subprime mortgage boom is dead? If Michael Jackson can get a re-fi when his $26 million mortgage is more than $200,000 in arrears, any crazy transvestite has-been child molester can. You gotta believe, people! And call the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Former professional wrestler Chyna sued a Chihuahua co-op (think puppy mill multiplied exponentially) for not sending her more puppies - the last ones were delicious!

Despite her reputation for being a pain in the ass, MSNBC was going to offer Rosie her own show. Lucky for them (and us!), she blew up the deal before it was finalized blabbing on her blog. Larry King is safe ... for now.

Fabio got into a tussle with a whiskey-brave George Clooney over which knife to use during the second course. Luckily for Fabio, waiters broke it up before George's girlfriend kicked his ass ... because she can. Oh, yes, she can.

And now look who's here. It's Aunt Minnie looking for her pension check. When will you ever learn? You just go to your room and think about what you've done. I'll stall her with the peach brandy while you scrounge up some change from the sofa. You better hope she already took those muscle relaxers. She packs a wallup when she's only half-stewed.