PrettyBoring brought us Eating Disorders, Thick and Thin, or When Bad Guys Happen to Nice Girls: Jenna Jameson weighing in at 62 lbs. after removing her implants, and former fantasy girl Kelly LeBrock, who can easily add a digit to that number. Would that be 162 or 620?

Perez Hilton brought us images from Tom Cruise's favorite bondage fantasy: A little Tommy sandwich between two hot slices of military meat. Suri refused to speak to him until he washed his hands, but now she understands the separate bedrooms thing.

The Post's Page Six said that Ellen's popularity has only increased since the whole Izzygate dog re-gifting scandal. Not only that, but if her girlfriend does in fact leave her, the outpouring of sympathy she receives will cause her popularity to eclipse that of the Mighty Oprah. Better start packing, Portia.

Speaking of tearjerkers, this week D-Listed continued to chronicle the poignant tale of a barely pubescent lad struggling to deny his true sexuality while forced to accompany a trampy little twit he can't stand. Perhaps he should run for office.

Earlier this week The Bosh joined the outcry over Nick Hogan's continued racing aspirations, even as his "good friend" lay in an irreversible coma. We're glad to report that Polaroid has since revoked their sponsorship of the little douche's racing team. We're glad we could help them ... get the picture. We'd be happy to show Nick where he can park those 350Z's, too.

Our friends over at TMZ shared our underwhelming joy over Orlando Bloom not being prosecuted for that nasty little fenderbender he had after a night of partying. Turns out he wasn't leaving the scene, he was just trying to escape the paparazzi. Such a convenient excuse ... especially since the paps were the ones who convinced him to return to the scene to help his injured friends.

There you have it. More freaks and fairies than we can bear, but we've got the house surrounded in garlic rosaries. We just have to make it to sunrise and we'll be safe. Just board up the windows and pay no attention to the scratching at the door.