Butt-Ugly Trump Claims To Be Authority On Beauty

How is it that a man with a face like impacted bowels can hold forth about beauty? That fiendish creature he's married to also seems to think she's beautiful but she could peel the paint off a wall with that scowl. Just because you own it doesn't mean you get it.

Donald Trump has decided to lecture the masses on what beauty is. Donald's concept of beauty comes from the glossy brochure of his favorite plastic surgeon. All of his wives have been beautiful in that Stepford kind of way, as is his daughter, Ivanka. But they're about as sexy and exciting as slow-cooked oatmeal.

The Donald made his bi-weekly soundbite this week by trashing Angelina Jolie, saying that while she's attractive, she's not beautiful. Uh, OK. That's like calling a Ferrari a two-seater. Furthering the car analogy, while Angelina has like 500 horsepower idling under the hood, just rarin' to rip, his wife, Melania, is a 240-hp sedan and Ivanka would be in the moped range.

Mr. Trump went on to validate his statement by reminding us, his dimwitted public, that he does own the Miss Universe franchise. Because we're not as dumb as we look, we do recall quite clearly that Trump was able to pick up both entities for a song because no one else wanted them. The pageant business has become dated and grossly unappealing to the majority of American viewers. The only real publicity these contests have gotten in recent years has been negative - Tara Conner being sent to rehab, for example.

Trump should zip his lip, tuck in his twenty-pound comb-over and take Mrs. Grinch back up to their ivory tower, where they belong.