Butt-Ugly Trump Claims To Be Authority On Beauty

How is it that a man with a face like impacted bowels can hold forth about beauty? That fiendish creature he's married to also seems to think she's beautiful but she could peel the paint off a wall with that scowl. Just because you own it doesn't mean you get it.

Donald Trump has decided to lecture the masses on what beauty is. Donald's concept of beauty comes from the glossy brochure of his favorite plastic surgeon. All of his wives have been beautiful in that Stepford kind of way, as is his daughter, Ivanka. But they're about as sexy and exciting as slow-cooked oatmeal.

The Donald made his bi-weekly soundbite this week by trashing Angelina Jolie, saying that while she's attractive, she's not beautiful. Uh, OK. That's like calling a Ferrari a two-seater. Furthering the car analogy, while Angelina has like 500 horsepower idling under the hood, just rarin' to rip, his wife, Melania, is a 240-hp sedan and Ivanka would be in the moped range.