Reese finally stopped pretending that Jake was anything more than someone to trade recipes and skincare secrets with. After he told her his secret for baby soft cheeks, she decided it was best they don't even speak anymore.

Victoria Beckham tried a new use for the bathroom rug, but didn't tell her husband. David's spill getting out of the tub was the real reason he's out for the rest of the season, but that's OK - she likes him better with his legs in the air.

Kimberly Stewart needs a good haircut and a shirt that isn't cut down to the navel. Then maybe she wouldn't look like her dad used to after one of his visits to the East Village. The transvestites will probably still chase and beat her down, though.

Just when everyone had started to forget that the whole thing, Dan Rather makes a misguided attempt to restore his legacy by suing his former bosses, thereby ensuring his place in obscurity.

Paris Hilton pairs zigzags with stripes at the suggestion of an animal that has bitten and scratched her repeatedly. You'd think she'd get the hint.

And bringing up the rear, Justine Bateman emerges from the sidelines with severe lemonface, looking like she's aged 150 years ... with the dress to prove it.

OK, folks, we've run out of animal metaphors, and the dog needs to go out. We hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as we did. Join us next week for more fun and games with the rich and the lame. Peace out, bitches.