We visited Paris and her minimum-wage Swedish cutlet. He can deliver his meat lover's pie over here anytime ... although now we'll need to see a clean bill of health.

Debra Messing scared away all the little kids ... and the grown-ups. And the trees. Even the escaped lions locked themselves back in their cages. Breakfast will never be the same.

Sharon Stone lives up to her name, at least above the neck, but she'll never be as seamless as Wayne Newton. There are babies in Beverly Hills that are showing these pics to their surgeons.

Al Sharpton took Bill O'Reilly to Harlem to show the world what a racist blowhard looks like, and then stuck him with the check. Bill said waiter's spit never tasted so good.

A woman scientist showed us the worst thing to happen to breasts since nipple clamps. Now everyone can know the ecstasy of acute boob pain.

Tyra demonstrated for the world that you can have your souffle and wear it, too. Expect to see the remnants on EBay any day now.

OK, that's a wrap. Stock up on that Ativan to ease the crash, and for God's sake, buy a new pair of boots this weekend. Contrary to what you believe, they do not go with everything.