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Sheryl Swoopes

In one fell Swoopes, a major women's basketball player has come out of the closet. Reports are that the redneck pressure that was keeping her in was starting to stink so bad she thought she was going to die. Sheryl Swoopes, the right-on woman who declared her lesbianism to the wild and whacky Bush world, is a forward for the Houston Comets.

Her de-closeting was facilitated by a very lucrative endorsement offer from Olivia, a purveyor of lesbian cruises. She will be leaving on an Olivia cruise of the Mexican Riviera starting October 29. Apparently, there's nothing like a great deal of money to empower a person to say: "I'm gay, now kiss my ass."

Sheryl has an 8-year-old son Jordan from earlier in her life when she was repressing her sexuality. She was the first woman to have a Nike shoe named for her, which for a basketball player is bigger than winning the Nobel Prize. Word that Cheryl will be giving Condosleeza Rots counseling sessions remains unconfirmed. (Scott Rose)

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