Julia Roberts must know somethin' about birthin' some babies, 'cause she just birthed some new and improved Olsen twins. Good-bye womb, hello crack.

According to the Indianapolis Star, the babies, due in early January, popped out early (and are already making millions). Miss J's publicist said the babies, Hazel Patricia Moder and Phinnaeus Walter Moder (he wishes his name was Apple) and their mother are "doing great".

So there's two more babies whose first month will be infinitely better than my whole life.

[k.noonan]