Okay, so you, like me, may not be familiar with the likes of Al Goldstein, so allow me to sum up.

Pepsi Co. has announced it will film promotional spots featuring Beyonce Knowles and Jennifer Lopez going head to head with David Beckham in a series of martial arts challenges. A date for filming can not yet be set because Beckham is recovering from two broken ribs which he suffered in a soccer match. When it comes to the cola wars, I have always preferred Chateau Margaux; nonetheless, in this case I do sincerely hope that the best girl wins.

In today's edition of the ongoing battle between the haves (or is it have's? I don't know.) and the have-nots, the have-nots lose. Again.

The Chicago Sun Times decided to pull it out a bit too late this Tuesday night. Coming within a hair (and I'm sure you know what kind of hair- wink, wink) of distributing editions containing an article with the title "You Cunt Say That (or Can You?)", editors decided to pull the story after it had already been printed. (Which means the staff had to spend five hours yanking the offending piece manually.) Awesome. People screwing up is so cool.

If there is one thing I've always been very clear on, it would be that if I'm promised John Tesh and you don't deliver, not only am I out the door, I'm seeking some serious retribution for my pain, suffering, and mental anguish. Lucky for the folks at "South Florida Today" that their audience was more passive than I.